7 Relationship Green Flags to Look For in a Healthy Partner
I was featured in a fantastic article about green flags in a relationship. I had even more ideas and decided to put together my own list.
If you’re hoping to build more healthy relationships, then it’s important to not only pay attention to red flags, but also actively seek out green flags as well. We all know what a red flag is: something another person does that warrants concern and is a potential boundary violation.
A green flag is of course the opposite! These are actions and statements that foster connection and trust, and will help you feel more secure in your relationship.
If you’re currently in a relationship or hoping to start a new one, here are 7 relationship green flags to look for.
Your partner respects your time and Energy
Respecting your time isn't just about punctuality, it also involves being aware of how their actions impact you.
This might look like letting you know if they're going to be late or unavailable, rather than just not responding to you or not mentioning it at all. And they’re willing to make an effort to spend time with you, while also balancing their other responsibilities.
It’s a big, green flag if you’re satisfied with their level of communication and don’t find yourself constantly wondering where they are or when you’ll hear from them.
They also respect when you're unavailable.
If they know you're at work, they don't bring up difficult topics or expect you to drop everything to cater to their needs. If they have something important to talk about, they wait until they know you’re available and capable of listening or helping.
They don’t constantly harass you, chase after you, or ask you where you are. And if they want to spend more time with you, they ask instead of being passive aggressive about it. A healthy partner understands you have many priorities in your life.
Related: How Over Functioning In Your Relationships Causes Burnout
Your partner respects your other relationships
As I mentioned in the article, another green flag is when your partner respects that you have interests and relationships outside of your relationship.
They don't tear down or say derogatory remarks about your friends, make passive aggressive remarks, or get angry when you spend time with other people.
Instead, they actively encourage that you spend quality time with others, for both you and themselves.
If they do want to spend more time with you, another green flag would be making a direct request for this rather than criticizing you or accusing you of preferring your friends over them. They’ll be honest and open, rather than passive aggressive.
This shows they can respect your other relationships while also asking for you to meet their needs. Wanting to spend time with you and wanting you to have other relationships doesn’t need to be mutually exclusive.
Example:
Healthy Request: "I'd love to see you an extra night per week. Can we figure out how to make that work? Spending time together is important to me.”
Unhealthy Demand: "I never see you during the week because you're always busy/working/with your friends. You need to start prioritizing me.”
Pay attention to how your partner approaches you when they want something from you. Does it feel like a healthy request or an unhealthy demand? If it’s more of a request, then it’s a green flag.
You can tell it’s an unhealthy demand if there’s any kind of ultimatum or they’re using absolutes (which I’ll get into later).
your partner respects your boundaries
Your feelings are often a good indication of whether your boundaries are being respected or disrespected.
If you’re constantly feeling frustrated, disrespected, resentful, or even repelled by your partner’s behavior, then there’s a good chance at least one of your boundaries has been violated.
Remember that good boundaries protect other people from your frustration and resentment. They’re what help you show up sustainably in any relationship.
So if you feel respected by and content with your partner, they are likely adhering to the boundaries and expectations you’ve established.
Another good sign is that when you bring up something difficult like a boundary violation, your partner is able to absorb that information without getting defensive, making excuses, or criticizing your boundary.
They can admit when they’ve done something wrong and commit to changing their behavior. Or they can respectfully renegotiate the expectations around your boundary to reach a mutually satisfactory solution. Respecting each other’s boundaries is a good sign that your relationship is healthy and sustainable.
Related: How to Set and Maintain Boundaries
Need to Set boundaries but aren’t sure how?
Check out my FREE mini workshop: Setting Boundaries That Actually Work. Learn practical strategies to confidently express yourself without feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or mean.
your partner practices active listening
Feeling heard and understood is a pillar of healthy relationships and a big green flag.
Active listening means making a conscious effort to really hear and understand what another person is saying to you. It’s not just waiting until the other person has finished talking so they can talk.
You'll notice someone is actively listening to you when they maintain eye contact, show nonverbal cues like smiling or nodding, and ask relevant follow-up questions.
You’ll feel heard and understood rather than feeling like you’re talking to a brick wall or begging someone to just stop and hear what you’re saying.
Active listening leads to deeper, more connected conversations. This is a helpful skill for both partners to practice because direct communication is indicative of long-lasting, healthy relationships.
The next time you’re having a conversation with your partner, check whether you feel like they’re really listening to what you’re saying:
Are they asking follow up questions or simply nodding?
Are they looking at you or are they absorbed in something else?
Are they just waiting for you to finish talking?
If you get the sense that they’re trying to listen, but missing the mark, ask them to first reflect back what you’ve just said before they move on to what they want to say. And try to do the same thing for them. If they’re able to do this, that’s a big, green flag!
Your partner’s words match their actions
Does your partner say they’ll do something and then follow through on it? That’s a green flag!
This means they’re dependable, reliable, and trustworthy: qualities that are important to sustain a healthy relationship.
There will be reasonable exceptions to this, like emergencies or other unavoidable situations; this doesn’t mean they aren’t dependable. The key is stepping back to look at your relationship as a whole and seeing whether your partner’s actions consistently match their words.
When they tell you something, do you trust them? Or does their behavior undermine your ability to trust them?
This is important because anyone can make a promise at any time, but without following through on it, the words are empty. Trusting your partner means trusting their word because you’ve seen their actions validate them. You’ll feel confident that when you ask for something, they’ll follow through.
Important note: if your partner struggles with memory or focus and/or has ADHD, then the two of you can work together to figure out what they need in order to follow through on promises and expectations. There’s a difference between trying and struggling, and not trying at all.
Your partner doesn’t use absolutes
Another green flag is refraining from using absolutes. What’s an absolute?
This is defined as something that’s conclusive, unquestionable, and all-encompassing. This will look like words that are extremely black and white, like “always” or “never”.
Here are some absolutes to look out for:
“You always do this.”
“You never listen to me.”
“No one cares about me.”
Why are absolutes a problem? Because they’re rarely, if ever, accurate. It’s unlikely that something always or never happens, it’s much more likely that it sometimes occurs. Absolutes are rarely rational or based in reality, they’re often a reflection of hurt and pain magnified.
Healthy partners understand that even if they have a grievance, such as feeling like they’re often dismissed or not prioritized, they know this isn’t the case 100% of the time. They also don’t judge their partner as all good or all bad.
Presenting something as an absolute doesn’t leave room for productive problem-solving. It invites defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling. Rather than always or never, look out for words like “sometimes” or “occasionally” to indicate a green flag.
Example:
Unhealthy Absolute: “You never listen to me. You’d rather be on your phone!”
Healthy Problem-Solving: “I’ve noticed you often text while we’re having a conversation. It’s hard to feel heard when you do this. I’d appreciate if you could put down your phone.”
Unhealthy Absolute: “You always do this!”
Healthy Problem-Solving: “I’ve noticed you do (specific action). I’d really prefer you did (different action) instead so I can feel respected.
While the original complaint is similar (that their partner doesn’t listen to them enough), presenting it as an absolute will only cause conflict. And making a vague statement that you always do something doesn’t solve the issue.
So look out for this kind of healthy communication as a sign that your partner has long-term potential.
Your partner fights fair
Unhealthy conflict will often look like having the same argument again and again, without coming to any agreement or resolution. Then the issue gets swept under the rug until it pops up again.
You find yourself airing the same grievances or feeling like your partner doesn’t listen or care about your needs. They also don’t make any changes based on what you’re dissatisfied with.
Healthy conflict means creating a shared goal of working towards a mutually satisfactory conclusion. It doesn’t mean everything gets resolved immediately, but it does mean there’s steady progress and honesty.
Fighting fair means taking everything your partner says seriously, even when you don’t agree. Instead of dismissing them, healthy conflict means reaching an understanding and collaboratively figuring out a solution.
Both of you should feel respected by the other, even if the topic you’re disagreeing on is important or even heated. It’s possible to disagree completely and still be respectful of another person’s position.
Healthy Conflict Examples:
Hearing what you’re saying without immediately getting defensive
Refraining from criticizing you or using hurtful language
Sticking to the topic instead of deflecting to other issues
A very important green flag is the ability to handle conflict without resorting to hurtful tactics like name calling or low blows. Notice whenever your partner gets angry, that they’re still able to remain respectful and true to the kind of person they want to be.
And if there are parts of your conflict that are currently unhealthy, another green flag is the ability to figure out a better way to fight fair.
Related: How to Stay Calm During a Fight
Keeping an eye out for green flags is just as important as finding red ones. Actively seeking out the good in someone can help you feel safer, more trusting, and ultimately build a lasting connection.
If none of these green flags are resonating for you, then that itself is a huge red flag! Whenever possible, go with your gut and prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental safety.
For more help setting boundaries, check out my free mini workshop: Setting Boundaries That Actually Work. You’ll get a simple way to set effective boundaries that leave you feeling respected.
