How to Deal With a Bad Roommate
Are you living with someone that annoys you, disrespects you, or intrudes on your space?
Your home should be a space for calm, peace, and rest. When you live with a bad roommate, home can quickly become a place of tension, awkwardness, and discomfort.
If you’re currently living with a problematic roommate, and it can be hard to know how to handle it without making things worse.
Thankfully, there are ways to make your situation better. Here are some simple steps to set firm boundaries and make your home yours again.
Make a list of what’s bothering you
Zero in on whatever it is that’s bothering you and make a list. Try to get as specific as possible! It might seem silly, but it’s helpful to figure out where the issues are so you know how to resolve them.
Are they making noise late into the night even though they know you need to wake up early?
Using your stuff without asking and then not returning it (or returning it damaged)?
Put together your list of complaints and then separate them into clear boundary violations versus things that are just annoying.
Here are some examples:
Eating your food without permission is a clear boundary violation. Chewing their food too loudly is just annoying.
Being loud when you’re trying to sleep is a boundary violation. Being loud during the day is just annoying.
Inviting over people without checking with you first is a boundary violation. Inviting over someone you don’t like is just annoying.
This distinction is important because you want to start creating real change around the violations, rather than things that annoy you.
Everyone has quirks or annoying habits and it’s wasted energy trying to change that. In fact, you may even find them less annoying when they stop overstepping your boundaries!
Focus on areas where they seem inconsiderate, thoughtless, or even abusive.
Set Firm Boundaries
Now that you have your list, think about what you’d like your roommate to start doing differently.
Create a new boundary out of your complaint so you can make a firm request.
Remember that complaints don’t compel people to change or encourage them to do better. In fact, it tends to put them on the defense, so they might even double down on their behavior.
Research shows that people are much more likely start doing something than stop doing something. Use this to your advantage by thinking about what you want to ask your roommate to start doing.
Here are some examples:
If they play music too late, create a new boundary by asking them to turn down the music or switch to headphones after a certain time.
If they use something of yours without asking, decide whether you’d prefer they ask first or if you’d like them to not use it at all and tell them.
If they’re constantly interrupting you to complain about something, set a limit around how much time you’re willing to listen (and 0 minutes counts!).
Come up with your alternative behavior requests (also known as a “non-annoying” behavior) and prioritize the most important one to start with. Don’t try to tackle more than one issue at a time or you risk nothing getting done.
Related: How to Deal With a Negative Friend
Address problems directly and honestly
Try your best to direct instead of passive aggressive. Stay away from post-it notes and resist the urge to send a snarky text!
It feels super satisfying in the moment, but you’ve probably noticed it rarely (if ever) makes thing better. If anything, it’s probably created more conflict.
Being aggressive, passive, or passive aggressive doesn’t create any fundamental change. With these tactics, best case your roommate will ignore you or continue doing what they’re doing, and worst case they will retaliate or create more problems.
The best way to create change is to find the healthy balance of these communication styles: assertiveness.
Assertiveness doesn’t mean being aggressive or constantly bringing up your complaints. Assertiveness is simply a way to address things respectfully, with the end goal in mind.
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how to be more assertive with your roommate
Set an expectation for exactly what you expect and come up with a natural consequence for not meeting this expectation.
Be specific, direct, and respectful.
For instance, if your roommate never does the dishes and you end up cleaning up after them, observe what’s been happening and let them know it can’t continue.
Also consider your role in enabling any bad behavior on their part. Try not to blame or criticize yourself, simply acknowledge anything that you do that makes it easy for them to continue doing what you don’t like.
This will help you not only make a request of them, but establish how you’ll respond if they continue to do the thing you don’t like.
Example:
Make a request: “I really need you to rinse off your plate and put it in the dishwasher when you’re done.” or “Clean your dishes before the sink fills up.”
Tell them the natural consequence for not following through: “If your dishes pile up, I’m going to put them over here instead of washing them.”
Offer an alternative: “You could try using disposable dishes if that’s easier.”
In this scenario, you’re not threatening to mess with their stuff. You’re letting them know well in advance that you won’t be washing their dishes anymore. You’re also offering an alternative solution.
Always be respectful in your delivery, regardless of how they react. Don’t meet their anger, attitude, or passive aggressiveness with your own because it will only make things worse.
If it’s clear they’re unable to have a mature conversation, let them know you’ll need to step away until they’re ready.
Related: How to Be More Assertive - Communication Skills Training
Get some space from them
When you live with someone, it’s easy to accidentally spend way too much time with them.
It’s comfortable and convenient, but this also means you’re more likely to get on each other’s nerves. This holds true for any friendship or relationship!
Time apart can enhance your time together because you’re not over-relying on each other for company.
Get some space by spending time with other friends or loved ones, prioritizing any passions or hobbies, and creating space for quality solitude.
Taking some time apart also allows you to get a broader perspective on your situation. See if you feel a little less annoyed after taking a break. Do the little things add up as much or are you able to let them go?
If not, it might be time to…
Move out or ask them to move out
If you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work, it might be time to consider moving or asking them to move out.
And while moving sucks for lots of reasons, your mental health and safety is worth far more.
You may not have the luxury of immediately moving out, but you can still plan ahead to figure out what your future arrangements could look like.
Enlist the help of friends or people you trust to brainstorm options for right now and in the future. Take the time to write down any and all options you can think of, no matter how unlikely or outlandish they may seem.
For each idea, think about what resources you’d need in order to make it a reality. Whenever you’re stuck in a bad situation, it’s easy to feel hopeless or stuck, which limits your choices. The goal of this exercise is to get creative and think outside the box.
Expand your choices by giving yourself a chance to consider every option available, even if it’s not doable at the moment. Consider any small steps that would get you closer to your ideal option.
Examples:
You just signed a new lease and are stuck for the next year: Check your lease agreement to see if subletting is an option, talk to your apartment manager about breaking the lease
Moving isn’t financially doable: Ask around for inexpensive moving options, see if any apartments offer reduced or $0 deposits, put together a budget and savings plan to make it more doable
While these options aren’t ideal, they can help you feel more empowered to change your living situation for the better.
Bonus: how to deal with a controlling roommate
Does your roommate constantly ask what you’re doing, where you’ll be, or complain that you don’t spend enough time with them?
Maybe it’s feeling more like a parent/child relationship than two adults sharing a space together.
When you live with a controlling roommate, it’s easy to feel suffocated by them constantly telling you what to do. If you want to continue living with them and/or retain your friendship, you’ll need to address their behavior directly.
It’s best to address when you’re most likely to stay calm and centered, even if they start to be rude or aggressive.
The next time you observe them doing something you’d label as controlling, gently call it out and then request they do something different in the future.
You: “I’m heading out, see you later!”
Roommate: “Where are you going?”
You: “To (person’s) house.”
Roommate: “But you’ve gone there a few times this week already! You’re hardly ever home anymore. You’re obviously avoiding me.”
You: “I get that you want me to spend more time at home. I’d appreciate it if you could respect my other friendships by not commenting on them. Let’s schedule some one-on-one time when I get back.”
This same process applies whether they’re trying to tell you who to hang out with, making comments about your appearance, giving unsolicited advice, or anything else that feels intrusive.
Instead of ignoring or placating them, point out what they’re doing and ask them to do something different. It will likely take a few tries, so keep it up! It’s unlikely to go well the first time you try something, so try to be patient and remain consistent.
Related: How to Overcome Kitchen Anxiety
Now that you have some tools to handle a bad roommate, you can skip the stress and awkwardness and create some real change in your home. Remember that the best method is to consider what bothers you and address it directly.
Although avoidance feels safer and is much easier, consider the long-terms costs of not addressing issues. Whenever you’d rather just drop it, ask yourself whether you’re willing to pay the cost of this later.
For more help setting boundaries, check out my free mini workshop: Setting Boundaries That Actually Work. You’ll learn simple and effective tools to have productive conversations, without feeling awkward, anxious, or guilty.
