How to Deal With a Negative Friend
Spending time with someone that’s a constant downer can be such an energy drain. You may feel obligated to listen to another one of their complaint sessions or give them advice you know they won’t take. You may find yourself starting to avoid this person, dreading seeing their name pop up on your phone.
It’s possible to care about someone’s wellbeing and also be tired of them complaining at the same time. It’s hard being used as an emotional dumpster with no reciprocity, especially when it’s endlessly repetitive.
Are you finding you just don't have the bandwidth to listen to someone complain, and are wondering how to tell someone to stop being so negative all the time?
Here are some simple ways to deal with a negative person that won’t leave you feeling drained or rude.
How to Deal With and Support a Negative Friend
It’s important to show up and support your friends without enabling behavior that harms your relationship.
Letting them vent every once in a while or helping them problem solve an issue is supportive, but allowing them to vent on endless calls is enabling and a recipe for resentment.
Give yourself permission to create a new boundary in your friendship to prevent future resentment.
You might feel guilty or like you’re letting them down, but compassionate boundaries are good for both of you. Solid boundaries are the only way you can sustainably show up in your relationships and be the kind of friend you want to be.
Figuring out what your new boundaries are
First you'll need to decide what your new boundaries looks like. Do you need to:
Set a communication limit? This might look like not answering the phone or texting back during certain hours
Set a time limit? This could look like limiting conversations to 30 minutes or less (or 15 minutes, or whatever you decide)
Make certain subjects off-limits? This might look like telling them to please stop complaining about that one co-worker
Something else? Like requesting they give you time to talk about your issues instead of only theirs
The easiest way to know what request to make is to think about what your biggest complaints are. Are you tired of hearing about the same people and situations? Does it feel like they spend the entire time talking about themselves and never ask how you’re doing?
Whatever it is, take that complaint and reframe it into a boundary.
A Simple way to get more out of your friendship
Reciprocity is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. Both of you need to consistently get something out of your relationship for it to remain sustainable and satisfactory.
Of course it can’t always be exactly 50/50 because everyone has seasons of struggle and need a little extra support. For instance, if one of you experiences a loss of some kind.
Offering your friend extra support with nothing in return is a gift when they’re having a hard time. In a healthy, reciprocal relationship, it can enhance your connection and bond.
But you might find your friend’s “hard time” just keeps going on and on, to the point you wonder if they even care how you’re doing. If you’d like to rebalance your friendship, here’s a simple tactic.
Get what you need Directly
Think about what would make it easier to support them. Is it them asking how you’re doing before jumping into their problems? Asking follow-up questions when you bring something up instead of just saying “that sucks” and moving on? Something else?
It might sound silly and a bit obvious, but directly asking your friend to do that thing, or stating whatever it is you want them to know, is the best way to rebalance your relationship so it feels more reciprocal. You can either request they ask you more questions or you can just tell them what you’d like to talk about:
“Sorry to hear that, I’m having a rough time at work myself. Do you think you could first ask me how I’m doing before we jump into (issue)?”
“Hey! I’ve got 20 minutes and I want to hear about (your topic). I want to tell you about (my topic) first. I’ll make sure to stop after 10 minutes so you’ll get the same amount of time.”
Is it a bit silly? Maybe. Effective? Definitely. If you continue to express what you want to say, it’s likely they’ll start to engage more with your life instead of only focusing on themselves.
Need to Set boundaries but aren’t sure how?
Check out my FREE mini workshop: Setting Boundaries That Actually Work. Learn practical strategies to confidently express yourself without feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or mean.
How to Stay out of your friend’s drama
When conflict erupts between two people, they often bring in a third person to relieve tension. This is called triangulating.
This can look like a parent complaining about the other parent to their kid, a co-worker complaining about your shared boss, or your friend complaining about a mutual friend.
Has your negative friend ever tried to pull your into their drama?
If they're constantly complaining about the same person or situation, redirect them to take action with that person to remove yourself from the triangle. It doesn’t mean brushing them off or being rude, it means encouraging them to take it up with that person directly.
Phrases to deflect your friend’s drama
The next you feel pulled into your friend’s drama and you don’t want to be involved, try saying something like:
“Wow that sounds hard, I hope this clears up after you have a conversation with them."
"Sorry to hear that. Have you talked to them about this? Sounds like you two need to get on the same page."
If they keep coming up with excuses about why they're not taking action or saying they can’t and just want to vent, let them know you’ll be available to listen when there are updates or if they need help taking useful action (and only if you’re willing).
"That makes sense, I know you’ll figure it out eventually. Keep me posted with any updates.”
“Totally get why this is bothering you. I’m happy to practice having that conversation with you. That always helps me feel more confident.”
The more you stop letting them spin their wheels and drag you into their drama, the less often they’ll come to you for that. They’ll either be forced to finally take action or take their negativity elsewhere.
How to stop feeling guilty about setting boundaries
When you start creating these new boundaries with negative friends, it’s very likely that some guilt will start showing up. But, this doesn’t mean you have to do anything with it!
Guilt has a very specific and important function: it tells you when you’ve messed up and need to make amends to set things right again. But setting boundaries with friends isn’t wrong, it’s necessary.
The next time you feel guilty (or if your friend tries to guilt trip you), remind yourself that you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s important to remember that you can feel guilty and still choose to not act on it.
Feeling guilty and being guilty of wrongdoing are two very different things.
Recognizing when your guilt isn’t useful
First, gut check whether your boundary is respectful to both of you and that you communicated it respectfully. Respect is a crucial communication ingredient and will help you recognize whether your guilt is misdirected.
If you feel certain you behaved respectfully, then you’ll know you haven’t done anything wrong and your guilt is not a helpful guide.
Recognizing this allows you to make a choice to not act on your guilt, but instead hold steady in the boundaries you’re setting (even when it feels uncomfortable). It can be deeply uncomfortable to not act on guilt, but there’s nothing useful to do when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Acting on your new boundaries
A lot of life’s issues can be resolved in this way: be willing to experience temporary discomfort for long-term satisfaction.
Because when you create and hold better boundaries in your friendship, you’re actually being a better friend because you’re no longer silently enabling behavior that bothers you. Holding things in leads to resentment, and you can’t be a good friend when you’re filled with resentment.
Take a breath, remind yourself why you’re setting these new boundaries, and just let your guilt be there without acting on it. Eventually you’ll feel better standing up for yourself in a healthy, respectful manner.
Related: How to Deal With a Bad Roommate
What to do if your friend gets mad at you
Part of having good boundaries is reframing the idea that they’re selfish. Boundaries aren’t selfish, they’re self-protective.
They allow you to bring your whole self to your relationships. If you’re burnt out, you can’t be a good partner or friend.
If you’re finding this person is pushing the limits of your boundaries, it’s OK to point this out and set new expectations. You can validate someone’s feelings without agreeing with them, and still hold a boundary around any harmful behavior.
This is one of my favorite tools to help others feel heard, but not necessarily enable anything that disrupts my rights or harms our relationship.
Validating without agreeing example:
Let’s say your friend is always asking for favors and you’re tired of saying yes. But, if you say no and they start to freak out or accuse you of being unsupportive, you might want to say something like:
“It sounds like you're upset I can't do this for you when you're needing some support. I can support you in other ways, but I need you to be more respectful when you're upset. I need to go, let's talk at (specific time).”
Make sure to follow through and hang up the phone. If they immediately call back, don’t answer! They haven’t had enough time to calm down yet. The next time you speak, if they accuse you of hanging up on them or being a bad friend, try validating the emotion, not the behavior:
“I know you were angry and wanted to keep talking. I told you that I needed to go. It’s really important to me that our relationship is built on mutual respect and trust. When you yell at me, I don’t feel respected.”
You can validate how they feel without agreeing with, or condoning their behavior. You’re just letting them know you recognize their perspective and how they feel. Remember that someone being mad at you doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, it just means they’re upset they’re not getting what they want from you.
Related: How To Calm Down When You’re Anxious
How to cut off a negative friend
If this person drains you more than they energize you, or they consistently disrespect your boundaries, consider whether it’s time to reduce contact or cut them off completely.
It might be better to redirect your energy towards other relationships that are life-enhancing, rather than draining. Knowing when to walk away, whether it’s a relationship, a job, or any kind of investment, is an important life skill.
If that feels like the best course of action, let them know you need to take some time away from the friendship to focus on your needs. You don’t owe them a long explanation or anything more than that. Being clear and concise doesn’t mean you’re being cruel or rude.
If you feel guilty or stuck because of a sense of obligation or fear of how they might react, get in touch with your reasons for wanting to cut them off in the first place. Keep reminding yourself that putting your needs first is not selfish, it’s self-protective.
Cutting your negative friend off may hurt their feelings…and also it’s not your responsibility to manage their feelings. You could do everything perfectly and still hurt or disappoint them. Allow them the space to feel and manage their own emotional state without feeling overly responsible for them.
Remember that the more you hold good boundaries, the more you’ll attract and retain friends that consistently respect them. Anyone who isn’t capable doesn’t need to take up valuable space in your life.
Note: If cutting them off completely isn’t doable or realistic right now, find ways to reduce one-to-one contact with them and focus on relationships that feel more mutually respectful.
Are there places in your life you need to firm up some boundaries? Do you struggle with implementing them? Maybe you feel overly guilty or obligated to give your time while asking for nothing in return.
I hope these tools will allow you to find more balance by shifting towards your energy relationships that feel respectful, reciprocal, and enjoyable.
For more help setting boundaries, check out my free mini workshop: Setting Boundaries That Actually Work
